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What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch? W. Clement Stone

Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves. Abraham Lincoln

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else. Woody Allen

I find, when you’re an optimist, life has a funny way of looking after you. Simon Sinek

I love fools’ experiments. I am always making them. Charles Darwin

Two wrongs don’t make a right, but they make a good excuse. Thomas Szasz

If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets. Mel Brooks

If you want a guarantee, buy a toaster. Clint Eastwood

I’ve always found it easier to be funny than to be serious. Molly Ivins

One of the funny things about the stock market is that every time one person buys, another sells, and both think they are astute. William Feather

Man cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter. James A. Garfield

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one? Abraham Lincoln

I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don’t believe I deserved my friends. Walt Whitman

Too much agreement kills a chat. Eldridge Cleaver

It’s a funny thing that when a man hasn’t anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married. Robert Frost

My life needs editing. Mort Sahl

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Electricity is really just organized lightning. George Carlin

Every time I see an adult on a bicycle, I no longer despair for the future of the human race. H. G. Wells

I believe in rules. Sure I do. If there weren’t any rules, how could you break them? Leo Durocher

My ideal prom date would have to be cute, funny, sweet, nice. Kendall Jenner

Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing for something. Wilson Mizner

I’m not funny. What I am is brave. Lucille Ball

When God sneezed, I didn’t know what to say. Henny Youngman

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five. Groucho Marx

I have an unfortunate personality. Orson Welles

I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done. Steven Wright

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. George Carlin

I have never been hurt by what I have not said. Calvin Coolidge

Forgiveness is a funny thing. It warms the heart and cools the sting. William Arthur Ward

If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days. Robin Williams

Part of my act is meant to shake you up. It looks like I’m being funny, but I’m reminding you of other things. Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything; otherwise, we’re going down the tube. Joan Rivers

It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes. Jay London

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Communism is like one big phone company. Lenny Bruce

What I am looking for is a blessing not in disguise. Jerome K. Jerome

Don’t talk about yourself; it will be done when you leave. Wilson Mizner

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die. Mel Brooks

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If you haven’t got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me. Alice Roosevelt Longworth

I love mankind; it’s people I can’t stand. Charles M. Schulz

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious. Peter Ustinov

If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month. Theodore Roosevelt

You’re only as good as your last haircut. Fran Lebowitz

They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning. Clint Eastwood

It’s simple, if it jiggles, it’s fat. Arnold Schwarzenegger

Life is hard. After all, it kills you. Katharine Hepburn

If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter. Jack Benny

It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance. Thomas Sowell

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance. George Bernard Shaw

Trust is hard to come by. That’s why my circle is small and tight. I’m kind of funny about making new friends. Eminem

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Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. Groucho Marx

We are supposed to enjoy the good stuff now, while we can, with the people we love. Life has a funny way of teaching us that lesson over and over again. Sheena Easton