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Funny Quotes

Quotes Changing Your Life Better.

I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.

Ron White

By all means let’s be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out. Richard Dawkins

If at first you don’t succeed… so much for skydiving. Henny Youngman

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people. Rodney Dangerfield

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen. Albert Einstein

Design is a funny word. Some people think design means how it looks. But of course, if you dig deeper, it’s really how it works. Steve Jobs

Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid. Hedy Lamarr

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity. Albert Einstein

Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone. Anthony Burgess

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves? Robin Williams

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. George Carlin

Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life. Brooke Shields

I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you. Robin Williams

There are lots of people who mistake their imagination for their memory. Josh Billings

Reality continues to ruin my life. Bill Watterson

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday. Don Marquis

Weather forecast for tonight: dark. George Carlin

Progress is man’s ability to complicate simplicity. Thor Heyerdahl

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by. Douglas Adams

There’s only one true superpower amongst human beings, and that is being funny. People treat you differently if you can make them laugh. Jeff Garlin

I had everything I’d hoped for, but I wasn’t being myself. So I decided to be honest about who I was. It was strange: The people who loved me for being funny suddenly didn’t like me for being… me. Ellen DeGeneres

Screaming at children over their grades, especially to the point of the child’s tears, is child abuse, pure and simple. It’s not funny and it’s not good parenting. It is a crushing, scarring, disastrous experience for the child. It isn’t the least bit funny. Ben Stein

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I was just a goofy little funny kid, who was always getting sent to the principal. It wasn’t serious because I was smart. I wasn’t like a true troublemaker, just rambunctious – like, talkative and trying to be funny. That was me in middle-school. J. Cole

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You know, fame is a funny thing, man, especially, you know, actors, musicians, rappers, rock singers, it’s kind of a lifestyle and it’s easy to get caught up in it – you go to bars, you go to clubs, everyone’s doing a certain thing… It’s tough. Eminem

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What was really funny is that as I got older all those guys who called me a sissy in junior high school wanted me to be their best friend because they wanted to meet all the girls that I knew in figure skating. Scott Hamilton

Try to find someone with a sense of humor. That’s an important thing to have because when you get into an argument, one of the best ways to diffuse it is to be funny. You don’t want to hide away from a point, because some points are serious, but you’d rather have a discussion that was a discussion, rather than an argument. Ed Sheeran

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Everybody I know who is funny, it’s in them. You can teach timing, or some people are able to tell a joke, though I don’t like to tell jokes. But I think you have to be born with a sense of humor and a sense of timing. Carol Burnett

If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee. Abraham Lincoln

Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese. Luis Bunuel  

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. Lana Turner

I can resist everything except temptation. Oscar Wilde

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. Lily Tomlin

I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party. Ron White

From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere. Dr. Seuss

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I’m for whatever gets you through the night. Frank Sinatra

  Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. Mark Twain

Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy. Benjamin Franklin

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. Mitch Hedberg

Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m schizophrenic, and so am I. Oscar Levant

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Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. Mark Twain

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If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. Henny Youngman

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else. Margaret Mead

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. Steve Martin

No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar. Abraham Lincoln

We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don’t know. W. H. Auden

Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired. Jules Renard

People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do. Isaac Asimov

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. Jim Carrey

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. George Burns  

Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else. Will Rogers

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments. Chris Rock